So the past couple of weeks have been especially interesting ones for me. I started a new job, had to cope with the stress of using busses (which causes me super anxiety) and to top it all off I have had the most dreadful cold ever, but I’ve made it this far!
For the people that don’t know I stress out A LOT when I have to go to places on public transport I don’t go to regularly, especially on busses. Busses give me the biggest anxiety, I stress about missing them so get to the bus stop at least fifteen minutes early and the whole time I am waiting I will be checking my phone with the bus tracker on stressing that the bus won’t turn up. Eventually when the bus does arrive as I queue I get stressed that my bus ticket won’t be accepted or it will have expired. Even though I know that these things aren’t true it doesn’t stop my mind going into overdrive going through every single bad situation that could happen.
And when I get onto the bus it doesn’t stop there. I will have the bus timetable on my phone and I will be timing every single stop and even if I am one minute late to the next stop my heart will start pounding. The whole way there I will be counting every stop so I know when to get off. When it comes to getting off the bus I panic that the stop button I press won’t work and I’ll miss my stop and being late is my WORST NIGHTMARE. I am always at least 10 Minutes early to anything because being late to me scares me and makes me think that the person will think that I don’t care or loads of different things. Add onto all this that is flowing through my little head that it was my first day in my new job and my brain goes into overdrive. Trying to set a good first impression is so important to me as I want to be the best person I can possibly be and I detest letting people down. It is just the way my brain is wired up and I absolutely HATE IT.
Even now, having used the same bus for Ten days straight the same feeling happens every single day. It never stops and no one can begin to understand how it effects you. Especially if you are an adventurous, outgoing person. I try my hardest to hide the irrational things that I do but by bottling it all up some days the bottle explodes and becomes a huge mess. Although this problem definitely has a very long way to go before it gets solved I’m taking baby steps and I keep telling myself that I’m doing great but I never really believe it because I just want to be a normal human being, but that will realistically never happen.